Ashlyns guest post is the 14th post in the segment on my blog, called “The Reality Of…” which gives others the ability to share their story and raise awareness of the disabilities, illnesses, impairments and invisible illnesses that they have.
My name is Ashlyn Currie, and I’m from Norfolk, Virginia, USA.
I have recently been formally diagnosed with depression. I’ve been suffering from major depression since I was 12 (I’m 24) at the very least. But I suspect it’s deeper than that. I have anxiety so bad sometimes I can’t handle whats going on so I either force myself to sleep or hit myself in the head to try to reset my brain. Or dampen the feeling. The anxiety is new. It affects my ability to go outside, and make friends. Mostly, go outside. I rarely leave my house without another person.
This is hard to explain, because my mood can change rapidly or be stuck for a long time
My fiancee and I have a number system to check up on our mood’s. 1-10, bad-good.
- Suicidal, don’t leave me alone.
- I probably haven’t left the bed, or if I have, I’m on the sofa either sleeping or staring blankly at the wall for hours. Nothing is getting done.
- I might be awake, but tired, but actively watching tv. I probably still haven’t showered or done any chores.
- Still exhausted, but I probably did one thing. Be it I showered or did the dishes or recorded something for work.
- Is nominal. I don’t feel happy. Or sad, but I’m up, I am acting like a ‘normal’ person.
- I’ve gotten out of bed, I feel tentatively happy, or productive. May still be lazy, but I’ll work on something that I want to, and shirk chores. This mood is really easy to get out of, and I usually plummit far, to like a 2.
- This is normal happiness, I’m productive, active, I want to do stuff and I do it. Stuff gets done, if I’m feeling this way it’s pretty stable.
- This is either a fleeting burst of excitement or if it’s long lasting it’s like being at a music concert for as long as it lasts. If it’s not a warranted feeling this is very disruptive.its hard to focus, but I can usually multitask at this stage so it’s fine.
- I can’t sit still, can’t focus on one thing enough to do anything. This is unproductive and unwelcome.
- Anxiety. Mania. Like I’ve had 6 redbulls and I can’t see straight.
My anxiety has many faces… it ranges from butterflies, to catatonia. When it’s really really bad I can’t talk, and I can’t move. My fiancee hates when I get like this, she says it’s scary. I feel cold, physically, like my body is made of ice. The feeling you get when you’ve been told a loved one has died in a horrific accident. I get like this feeling that I’m not good enough, or not meeting expectations. Also, when people yell.
My agoraphobia is the newest, and I think it’s mostly I’m fat, I hate my body, and I have to walk everywhere cause I don’t have a car, and I’m in a new town… it would go away if I got used to my surroundings, but above reasons keep me from doing it.
Learning To Adapt
I depend on my fiancee a lot. She goes to work to make money, she reassures me a lot and talks me up or down accordingly. I probably wouldn’t be where I am without her. I’m working on coping more personally
Changing As A Person
When I was very little, I remember being EVERYONES friend. Just talking to people, smiling. Now I keep my mouth shut, and stare at the ground to avoid contact
My Favourite Villain
I love Harley Quinn. She’s smart. Funny, crazy, loyal, hot, but also bad ass. Even in her obsession. Eventually she DOES leave Joker. And she doesn’t look back.
Thanks Ashlyn for sharing your story with my readers and me!