I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

Millie is sprawled out on the grass, looking to her left with her tongue hanging out

It was your 11th Birthday, I woke up to find you not behaving your usual self. You would have come over to me with your tail wagging as you always did in the morning. But you just laid there, curled up on the sofa. Tail not wagging at all. Mum laid out your breakfast and water yet you still didn’t want to move. You would have gone straight for your Bonio or a DentaStix. But you didn’t.

Mum and I knew something was not right. She phoned the vets and was advised to take you to the emergency vets. We left early as mum needed to get petrol. You walked up to the car like you always did. I sat in the back of the car with you and cuddled you. Times before, when we had to get petrol, you always barked but this time you didn’t.

We arrived at the vets, you climbed out of the car normally. Within minutes of sitting in the waiting room, we were called in. It was the same vet who saw you 2-3 weeks beforehand. Mum described how you had been acting and that you didn’t want to eat or drink. You loved being weighed so you went and stood on the scales. The vet said you had lost 5kg since she last saw you. Our hearts sank. The vet said she wanted to keep you in for further tests.

Mum dropped me off at home and then she went to work. She said she would phone me if they had any updates. Shortly before lunchtime, my phone rang…

”Millie has got kidney failure, it’s too far gone. It’s best to put her to sleep”.

The words I never wanted to hear. I hung up. I started screaming and sobbing. Ewan held me close. You were going to be put to sleep at 3pm. On the way to the vets, mum and I just sat in silence, crying the whole way there. We walked in the vets, red-eyed. We were then called in. While the vet had gone to fetch you, mum had to sign the form which gave permission for you to be put to sleep. My blood boiled. I just wanted to tear up the form. I was being selfish. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore. We knew this was the right thing to do. Despite it being so fucking heart-wrenching.

The vet bought you into the room. Your tail was wagging, happy to see us. You had a pink cast around your leg where you had blood tests. The vet allowed us to have some time with you.

We sat on the floor and you leant against us. I didn’t want to waste a second so I said everything that I felt. “Thank you for being my best friend”, “I love you so much”, “Thank you for being the little sister I’ve always wanted”. We kept cuddling and kissing you.

The door opened and the vet walked in. It was time.

We all knelt around you. Mum and I held you. We kept repeating “I love you” and “We will never forget you”. Then the vet administrated the drug. Your life slipped away through our fingers. We didn’t let go of you as we laid you on the floor. I laid on the floor with you, stroking your head, I whispered to you “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you” then I kissed you on your nose.

You meant everything and more to me, we had been through so much together. We were abused. You stopped me from committing suicide. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you.

3 years today since you went over the rainbow bridge. I think of you every single day. I still love you as much as I did then. That will never fade.

I love you Millie, forever and always. Gone in our lives but never from our hearts ♥️

Ami is sitting on the grass, with Millie standing next to her. Millie is a black Doberman mixed Labrador. She is happy as Ami is giving her a kiss on her cheek

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