‘The Reality Of…’ is a series with the aim to raise awareness of disabilities, illnesses, impairments, etc. Also, educating others about the barriers that disabled people and carers face. I hope this series helps to break down misconceptions and stigma.
*Content Warning – The section marked with an asterisk* in this guest post briefly mentions a form of self-harm. Readers’ discretion is advised.
Meet Sam
Hello, I’m Sam, a 30-something (I genuinely forget the number these days), mummy, wife, and chief event planner in our family. Living in the North of England, UK, and making it a priority to enjoy life every second we get to spend together as a family. You will usually find me writing, anything from lists to blog posts, and excited by stationery – show me your post-its!
Raising Awareness
In this blog post, I want to outline the impact of daily life, whilst living with severe anxiety. ‘Severe’ is an important word. We all have some level of anxiety, which comes from an inbuilt human instinct and is designed to keep us safe. Unfortunately the world we currently live in increases anxiety levels for everyone.
I am personally prone to experiencing debilitating anxiety when I endure stressful situations, face a lack of sleep, or don’t practice self-care. I’ve suffered from high anxiety for several years and it’s only recently, that I’ve managed to gain an increased level of self-confidence and finally bring it under control.
I still have bad days and this is the reason I keep talking about mental health. I hope to raise awareness and let people know the fear of relapse and the hard work needed to keep a mental illness under control is a daily struggle. I am thankful to Ami for having me on the blog, to write about a topic close to my heart and help spread the word to raise awareness.
It’s important to say my anxiety is still there and it’s something I will always live with. Each day I feel like a relapse could happen. Like the negative anxiety voice is chasing me down the street and if I let my guard down, it will catch up with me.
Everyone is on a different journey in life. However, personally, I don’t think high levels of anxiety can be cured. It’s something I accept and live with. There are measures I’ve put in place to manage it, and I want to discuss them with you today.
Physical Symptoms
I have wanted to write about the physical impact of high anxiety levels for a while now. Some people may think it only causes an emotional or mental impact, but it affects every area of your life. It seems like the appropriate time to let people know what physically happens to me. Here goes.
Heart Racing
When I am in a stressful situation, I can’t catch my breath, and my heart races. During the worst panic I’ve experienced, it felt like I was having a heart attack. The situation in question happened during a flight back from a holiday abroad. I had experienced a severe lack of sleep, an emotional argument with my other half, the hassle of an airport journey, and trying to keep a smile on my face in front of family.
This culminated in the worst panic attack I have ever experienced and I immediately contacted the doctor at the luggage collection point. I was barely able to talk to the receptionist, I was so drained. I knew something had to change. At that moment, I felt completely out of control.
Sweating
I am one of those people who wants the heat turned down in the office when everyone else is freezing. Although I love summer, it is just uncomfortable for me. As part of my high anxiety levels, sweating is one of the main symptoms.
We are not talking about just needing a little spray of deodorant. This is heavy, uncontrollable sweating. It makes you feel embarrassed and shameful and it happened frequently at my last workplace.
Panicking
I sometimes get into such a panic, I feel like I am losing total control of my life. I try to talk verbally but don’t make any sense and become hysterical. My partner asks me to calm down and makes me aware I am making no sense, but in the heat of the moment, this just seems to make matters worse.
These moments have occurred previously in heated, emotional situations, such as family arguments.
Talking Fast and Making No Sense
Talking too fast happens because I try to get my words out at the speed they are running through my head. Chaos is going on in my brain, like 10 people all shouting at each other at once. Coupled with the symptoms listed above, I don’t make much sense when I try to verbally communicate.
I am slowly trying to master techniques to calm down and diffuse the situation the moment panic occurs. It isn’t easy to retrain your brain.
Rash On My Chest
This is something I have written about before. During stressful meetings at my previous workplace, I would get flustered and a rash would rise on my chest and neck. When I ran to the toilet at the end of the meeting, full of shame, the rash was so bad it looked like a skin condition.
This is not the kind of rash you can get rid of easily. I would sit in the toilet, googling remedies, and run the cold water tap over my wrists. Afraid to return to my desk because I thought everyone was laughing at me. Throughout this whole episode, I was in panic mode. I then spent the rest of the working day very drained and unable to concentrate.
The shocking thing is, nobody I worked with or was close to even suspected I experienced high levels of anxiety. This is the reason I speak out about mental health. It is true when people say you wouldn’t know what goes on in a person’s mind. I hid it well for 15 years.
Fidgeting
To this day, I still fidget if I am in a stressful situation, or if I have an unconscious, underlying worry. Most of the time, I don’t even realise I am doing it. Hours after I start playing with my hands and skin picking on the sofa, I think, oh I must be worried about something.
It’s the main physical symptom I still need to get under control. We are all a work in progress and I am no different.
Sometimes in normal life, when I don’t feel particularly anxious, these are the symptoms I experience
*Skin Picking
As outlined above, I still have severe issues with skin picking around my fingers and toes. I realise it is a form of self-harm and needs to be brought under control. At this point, it is a habit I don’t realise I am doing until a little bit of damage has been caused.
Feeling Irritable
Because there are worries constantly running through my head and as a busy mum, I have a lot to think about, and I am sometimes irritable, short and snappy with those around me.
Lack of sleep is a huge factor that causes me to be more irritable and anxious. As such, I have a nap most days when I can. It’s what works for me. It makes life happier for the whole family.
Self-Doubt and Lack of Confidence
This is something I managed to get under control during recovery from my mental breakdown and my time off work following redundancy. But I wasn’t facing particularly stressful situations then. Since starting my new job role, although the environment is welcoming, and calming and I am qualified for the role, I still have self-doubt.
I wonder whether I will be capable, if I will learn everything, and will they want to keep me in the role. I have these thoughts for no other reason than the negative anxiety voice that will always live in my head. And it’s up to me to overcome it. And then keep overcoming it each day.
In the past, I’ve steered away from opportunities or anything outside my comfort zone, because of self-doubt. My life is now completely transformed. As a result of already hitting rock bottom, I have a mentality to just go for it. Life is too short. The worst has already happened to me over the last few years.
Struggling with Routine Changes
As quite an organised and sometimes controlling person, I struggle with any situation outside my control. Since becoming a mother and dealing with the challenges it brings, I am better with this now. I work hard to tell myself any situation outside my control doesn’t matter, and it isn’t something I should focus my energy on.
I have come to the realisation there is no point and I consciously don’t overburden myself with circumstances I am unable to change.
My Last Workplace and the Impact It Had On Me
I have written recently on my blog about the toxic workplace environment I worked in and the detrimental impact it had on me. In my last job, I suffered from low self-confidence and would completely crumble in meetings. Due to workplace stress, I eventually suffered a mental breakdown and was off work for four months, after nine years in the role.
There Is Hope
Life is a little easier since I became aware of my anxiety triggers. Following recent struggles in my personal life, I have changed my situation to finally achieve a work-life balance. This helps. It wasn’t easy to admit I was unable to work full-time because of my mental health.
I’m a very stubborn, organised person and I love to be a superwoman. But doing that resulted in me being incredibly unwell. Admitting you’re taking on too much or you need help from those around you is not a weakness, it’s a strength.
Tools I Use To Manage My Anxiety
Setting Boundaries
These days, I stay away from any situation which will trigger me. I don’t watch the news, only the bits I choose to look at. Any family arguments can happen without me because I just won’t get involved. I’ve set healthy boundaries and I know when to take a nap instead of agreeing to be in a social situation I don’t want to be in anyway.
I no longer please other people. Putting myself first is the way forward and it has been difficult to master. Especially as a mum, you have to come to the realisation you are no good to anyone if you don’t look after yourself. I ask for help now. I was reluctant to previously.
In terms of my working hours, weekly routine, and workplace, everything has changed for the better. I started the mental health blog, which is cathartic in itself and I feel a strong need to help other people in similar situations.
My current job role involves helping other people and I’ve finally created the work-life balance I need to protect my mental health. And it feels great. Out of the worst situations in life come good things. I want anyone reading this to realise there is hope.
Medication
I am still taking medication for anxiety and depression and have no plans to stop this anytime soon. This medication got me through a tough time and I wouldn’t be where I am now without it.
Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone
In stressful situations such as job interviews, I now try and use my nerves to my advantage and tell myself it’s all okay. For my latest interview, it worked well and I was offered the role. I’ve learned there is a certain power in using your weaknesses to your advantage and telling yourself you can do it. It’s still difficult and I always get nervous, but I take a deep breath and go for it.
Mindset
Adopting a different mindset is a huge factor which has changed things for me. Being grateful and believing things will be okay has helped. I’m also a busy mum and frankly, I’m just too tired to get stressed out over the small things. It’s not worth the energy. There are things we can’t control in life and accepting that is the best course of action.
Talking positively to myself in my head has also helped. I don’t allow negative thoughts to flourish. Yes, they creep in from time to time, but I no longer dwell on them. I let them pass naturally.
My Favourite Superheroes
I will leave you with this thought. In the spirit of this amazing blog I am guest posting for, I wanted to let you know who my favourite superhero is. It isn’t one person, it’s a collective of strong, powerful, underrated women and mothers. In my opinion, they are the real heroes in life, holding things together each day and receiving very little credit for doing such an amazing job.
If you’d like to stay up to date with Sam, you can find her on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and her blog, Mummy Conquering Anxiety.
